closed for editing

Hey there . I'm The.Dreamwalker, but most people just call me dreamwalker or DW but you can call me whatever you like. I see this might be your first meeting with an instructor. Well, it's a pleasure to meet you and I'll be reviewing your work today.

First off, though, I would ask you to please review two pieces or work as soon as possible, as is the 2:1 ratio. If you have introduced yourself in the welcome forum, the greeters will tell you the specific rules.

Now, back to my review.

Okay, so here's the breakdown. first, I go into a nit-pick section, then I go into Grammar and Punctuation, Plot, Setting and Description, and then Character Development. After this, I go into an overall and that will be your critique.

So let's get started!

Critique

Our story starts with a small town, a gigantic graveyard, and a man called Gravedigger Dan.

Okay, this line doesn't really catch the readers attention as well as it could. I see where you were trying to come from but the beginning line is crucial.

Maybe reword it like this, "This story begins with a small town, a large graveyard, and one man who they called 'Gravedigger Dan'."

That way it will feel a little more impacting and interesting.

The town had many, many names. The original one being De Range Creek.

Also, when introducing your character in the line above, you should either go on describing that character or don't bring him in till the setting is described. That way it won't feel as if it is jumping around.

Also, the period behind 'names' should be a comma and the t in 'The' should be lower case.

Which was strange in its own right, considering there wasn’t a creek for miles.

This sentence sounds as if you were flowing it into the one before it which would mean a comma but that would drag the sentence out. Try starting this sentence differently using such words as 'It'. That way it won't look like it should be a comma before it.

It was desolate, rural country as far as the eye could see.

You are calling the country desolate so but 'a' before desolate.

Anyone who took up permanent residence there discovered that the novelty of calling it a ghost town could only be so enjoyable.

This sentence is a little confusing. After reading the line below, I came to the conclusion that it means that only calling it a ghost town wasn't as fun as calling it such different names. This sentence doesn't do it justice.

A rewording?: "Anyone who took up permanent residence there discovered that the novelty of calling it a ghost town hardly felt as compelling as one who might call it something more then just a mere 'ghost town'.

The main reason being: there were more dead people in the town than living. Which I thought was just marvelous.

Again, your punctuation is a little floppy. Period should be a comma.

He was an object of curiosity, which was inevitable considering the townsfolk were what most people in small towns were: bored.

Semicolon. Not a full colon. You aren't listing which is what a colon is used for. you are using it as a substitute for a period so semicolon would be a better usage.

You got all that? You’d better remember it. It’s important. It gives you a big idea, see. The nosy and uptight citizens, the eccentric caretakers . . . and Corspeville. All important.

Um... thank you sherlock? Usually the stuff written is the stuff that we should get and for this bit, I would think it best you take that out. I have a little thing I will explain about the beginning later on towards the end of the review but we'll see for now.

Don’t get your hopes up—she’s boring. At least by my standards. Except for that lovely temper of hers. She’s short, freckly, and always wears a stupid little black cardigan.

Watch out. You're character is starting to sound like a snob.

No, when she was just eight years old, her mother died.

The second comma is not needed. Makes the sentence sound too dramatic when it shouldn't be.

Well, then her older brother, Charlie, ran away. Without a trace.

The sentences are starting to get too fragmented. Without a trace should not be on it's own.

Sad story, really. But that’s the way things are, I suppose.

This could easily be one sentence.

One day you’re making cookies, the next you’re at a funeral.

This sentence doesn't fit well, nor does it sound anything other then cliche. I would just take it out of the area completely.

And not even a funny kind of insane, either.

Again, making the character sound like a snob. How is being insane funny? Insanity is awful and the way it is portrayed would not be funny at all. Take that sentence out.

But then, I discovered, the girl wasn’t as tedious as I’d deduced.

This is an interesting last sentence to an info-dump of a story. Let me explain later.

Grammar and Punctuation

Your grammar was flawless and beautiful, which I enjoyed, but your punctuation was none to fantastic. fix your commas and stop making your sentences so fragmented because this is a short entro. There is not much there that could make this super dramatic yet so the fragments just make your character sould melodramatic.

Plot

I see no plot yet but I do see a base. This is good and bad at the same time for what a lot of writers lack, you have, but what a lot of writers have, you lack. We know nothing about your character nor her ties with anyone or anything right now which makes this really redundant and unappealing. Please, don't take this too harshly. I'm being cruel cause I think you're a good writer.

Another thing I must discuss about is your piece in itself. It's a giant info dump. I know it's hard to get it all out but there was nothing on your character or anything like that. Just a bunch of info on people that are necessary to the storyline and descriptions of where they live. Yes, it's important to relay this info but it can get tedious and boring to the reader. This is something you might want to fix up.

Setting and Description

This you did well. I got a lot out of this piece towards where your MC lives and all that and it gave us an interesting understanding of everything so, for that, I applaud you.

Character developemt

...There is none for your MC other then that fact that she sounds obviously a trend follower, that I know of. She sounds pretty snobby and none to exciting. Just thought I would put that out there. Now, your other characters are interesting, and I'm sure we'll read lots more into them, but for now I got barely anything from this bit and for that I will be searching for something interesting in later chapters.

Overall

I think you have talent as a writer. Your flow is good and your expression is good but this piece in itself is not good in my opinion. You have a lot of things to work out in this storyline. A good vocabulary will only get you so far, but now that you have a good understanding of words its time that you relay them in a way that interests the reader. A story is a fragile thing, and if told incorrectly will make the reader turn away. It's all very confusing but you'll get the hang of it.

I think you're a good writer you just have to keep it up.

Is Walking in Death
~The.Dreamwalker

Hey!

Great! Awesome job. I was grinning and laughing the whole time I was reading this; I must have looked like a madman. I love this story a lot so far, and the characters are so.... interesting, that I keep wanting to read more and more about them. And like Kawaii, I kept unearthing more questions that made me want to continue reading.

The man knew the value of hard work. He would do everything[s].[/s]: [s]C[/s]cut the grass, clean the stones, trim the weeds, rake the leaves, dig the holes, plant the people

Um, I would suggest doing that instead.

So, overall, great job! PM me when you get out with the next chapter!

zOe

I really enjoyed reading this love this. I love the way you use description and at some points i was laughing so much my ribs hurt. This chapter once again makes me ask. Why is this place a huge graveyard? What killed so many people? Excellent work.

My grammer isn't the best but

The man knew the value of hard work. He would do everything. Cut the grass, clean the stones, trim the weeds, rake the leaves, dig the holes, plant the people

The man knew the value of hard work. He would do everything; Cut the grass, clean the stones, trim the weeds, rake the leaves, dig the holes, plant the people.

Not sure i'm not the best with grammer.